So We Accidentally Summoned a Sex Demon
by crematosis
Summary: When the Avengers were called to stop a group of scientists summoning a tentacle monster through the power of sex, Tony didn't count on being part of that effort. Oops.


A/N: I don't even know what this is. XD I'm apparently a twelve-year-old boy trapped in the body of a grown woman. But oh well, it's fun to write silliness once in a while.

Disclaimer: Thank god I'm not in charge of anything major or this sort of chaos would kill the whole franchise.

It was four a.m. when the Avengers alarm went off. Tony had been just considering whether to go to bed or drink another couple cups of coffee.

Coffee it was.

Tony dropped into his seat, noting that everyone, except Steve of course, had also brought along a cup of coffee. Because when the day started at four, it was going to be a long fucking day.

"What is it this time?" Tony muttered. "It's a Monday so that must mean some world-ending apocalypse."

Fury shuffled a stack of papers in front of him. "Apparently a group of scientists at the CDC went nuts and started carrying on about getting enough energy to raise some big tentacle demon out of the harbor."

"Cthulhu lives in our harbor? Awesome." Tony leaned over to Steve. "Cthulhu is-"

"I know," Steve said with a tired sigh. "I read Lovecraft in the pulps back in my day."

"What? You read Lovecraft and yet you thought Star Wars was unrealistic?"

"Thing's supposed to be called Jolkt," Fury said loudly. "And it requires sexual energy. So the damn scientists have been spraying everybody with a chemical that causes them to jump the first person they see. So then we have crowds of people going at it in the streets."

That certainly got Tony's attention. "There's an orgy going on? Sign me up."

"You join in and you'll be sleeping with the same woman for two weeks straight."

Tony grimaced. "Two weeks?"

"Yeah, I didn't think you were into that kind of commitment," Fury said with a disapproving glance Tony's way. "We had to stick an IV into a few folks because they won't stop long enough to eat and they won't sleep unless you sedate them."

"Huh." Tony said.

People had accused him of being insatiable, but this was ridiculous. No partner was hot enough that he would kill himself for one more fuck. Not even Steve. But, Tony's eyes flicked over the captain's abs, he would probably be willing to do anything short of killing himself if he could have just one round with the man.

"Stark," Fury barked out. "You want to join the rest of the class?"

Tony sighed theatrically. "Blah blah blah, this stuff is bad because innocent people could be out there keeling over dead after all that sex which, for the record, is a pretty awesome way to go, but we need to get out there and stop these scientists from spraying people with the stuff and cure the people who got sprayed before they keel over dead. Did I miss anything?"

Fury glared at him. "The reminder not to shoot on sight. We need to keep these scientists alive until we figure out what they've done and how to reverse it."

"I hate these kinds of missions," Tony grumbled. "The bad guys are shooting at you and you're not allowed to shoot back."

"I can still shoot them, right?" Clint asked. "Like in the leg or something?"

"As long as it's not lethal," Fury said. "You can use flash bangs, tear gas, mace, whatever the hell you want to do to incapacitate these idiots so you can scoop them up and put them in SHIELD custody."

"Cool," Clint said. He leaned back in his chair and gulped down the rest of his coffee.

"And the second part of your mission will be rescuing as many infected people as you can. You'll know exactly who they are because they'll be having sex wherever the hell they are and they've got crazy eyes. Bright-ass green and glowing. If I didn't know any better, I'd think Loki was behind this, but Thor assures me that he and his crazy little brother are off doing some sibling bonding shit together."

"It could still be Loki," Tony said. "You know the tricks he's capable of."

"I doubt it," Fury said. "Doesn't really seem his style."

Natasha nodded. "Why create a cult to this Jolkt creature when he could create a cult to worship him?"

She did have a point.

"So, I want everyone except for Bruce out there capturing scientists and rescuing civilians. Dr. Banner, we'd like you to join our team of researchers in trying to work out an antidote."

"Sure," Bruce said. "I'm interested to see what we're working with."

"So, is there actually supposed to be a tentacle demon or do we just think these guys are crazy?" Clint asked.

"Well, if you don't do your jobs and get these people off the streets, I guess we'll find out," Fury said. "Let's move, people."

Everyone went to grab their gear and head out to the Quinjet.

"Good luck, guys," Bruce said with a wave. "I'll keep you posted on what we find."

Natasha took the jet over Central Park and set her down gently. Tony could already tell this was a promising spot as the first rays of the morning sun illuminated fleeing citizens and two elderly couples making love in the middle of the grass.

"Let's split up," Steve said. "Iron Man, take the east quadrant. Widow, west. Hawkeye, you take the north and I'll head south. And everybody meet back here with any victims or perpetrators you find."

"Aye, aye, Captain," Tony said with a salute. He swooped over to the two couples and grabbed each man by the leg. "Okay, guys. Show's over."

Just as Tony had hoped, they reached out their hands for their lady friends and Tony could carry all four of them along without actually really touching them. Because he did not want to spend time after this washing old man jizz off his suit. Seeing naked old people was bad enough.

"Okay," Tony said once he had secured the couples in the makeshift holding facility in the jet's underbelly. "If there's people fucking like rabbits, there's bound to be a scientist nearby."

This was the fun part of the mission. Tony would happily dodge wild-eyed scientists with industrial-sized spray canisters all day. He especially loved the part where he grabbed them by the back of their lab coat and hoisted them in the air. Because thank god the scientists were still wearing clothes.

There was a yelp over the comm. "I'm hit," Steve said. "One of them threw goop right in my eyes. God, it burns."

"Goop?" Clint said. "I thought they were just spritzing people."

"Maybe it's not the same thing," Steve said. "Maybe this was just to get me incapacitated because I can't see a damn thing. It's like looking through a kaleidoscope." His voice got a little higher pitched. "But whatever it is, I'm compromised and I need a shower to get this off me because it really feels like it's melting my eyeballs and I don't want to go blind. You hear me, Stark?"

Tony chuckled. "Yes, Cap. One evac coming your way."

It was just a short flight over to Steve's location, but from all the almost-cursing Steve was doing, he had to be feeling pretty frustrated.

"So," Tony said. "Feeling that uncontrollable urge to fuck someone into next month yet?"

"No," Steve said. "I couldn't even if I wanted to. Can't see, remember?"

"Stop whining. I'm already here."

Tony easily spotted Steve, staggering down the street and rubbing at his eyes. It was almost funny to see the goo splattered across his face like a mask. But then Steve looked up and his eyes were glowing an unearthly green.

Shit.

"Hey, Cap," Tony said cautiously. He landed a few feet away. "You still feeling okay? Other than not being able to see, of course."

"I've never seen more clearly," Steve said in a low voice. "I love you, Tony."

"Yep, you're definitely compromised," Tony said. "Everybody hear that? I'm taking Cap in with the-" He yelped as Steve's fingers tugged at the emergency release and the armor fell away.

Steve smiled as he pulled the comm out of his ear. "You and I are going off the grid for a little while."

"Uh, no," Tony said. "You're going into the holding tank with the others and then you're going to let Bruce run some tests so we can get this out of your system."

"I like my plan better," Steve said. He tilted his head down to kiss him.

Tony held up his hands to block him. "You don't want this. It's just the sex spray talking. You heard Fury in the briefing. You just want to jump me because I'm the first person you see."

"Look around you," Steve said with wide gesture. "So many people. But I waited for you."

Tony swallowed as he took in all the people running down the street, fleeing in whichever direction they could. Steve could have easily grabbed anyone passing by and forced them to be a mindless sex zombie with him. But he hadn't.

Steve smiled warmly and cupped his hands around Tony's cheeks. "You're the one that I want," he said.

For a moment, Tony was tempted to give in. This was everything he ever had wanted. Steve smiling at him like he could do no wrong, the promise of sex with the hottest man Tony had ever seen. Who knew if he would ever get a chance like this again?

But this wasn't really Steve, he reminded himself.

"Sorry," Tony said, pushing Steve's hands away. "You'll thank me when you come to."

"I will thank you," Steve agreed. "For what will probably be the best sex of my life. God, Tony, we work so well together. I can't imagine asking anybody else to be my partner."

Tony's jaw dropped. "You're asking me? You're not just going to jump me?"

"Of course not," Steve said with a chuckle. "I'm not a monster." He took Tony's hands in his and squeezed them gently. "I need you to be willing because we're going to be in this for the long haul. Partners to the end."

It was such a Steve thing to say, making this sound like a relationship instead of a mindless sex romp. And also a reminder that, yikes, if he did start sleeping with Steve he wouldn't be able to stop until Bruce found a cure. And because that was bound to take awhile, he'd have to hope the rest of the team would round them up so they wouldn't sex themselves to death. God, Tony didn't know if he could live with the embarrassment of Clint or Nat stumbling upon the two of them fucking. Was Steve really worth a lifetime of never looking his friends in the face again?

"So, if I say no, you'll back off?" Tony said with relief.

Steve's face fell into that kicked puppy look Tony hated. "You don't want to sleep with me?"

Tony bit his lip. "It's not that I don't," he said. "I want to sleep with just about everyone between the ages of 18 and 45 and even then there are a few older exceptions. But that's not the point. The point is that I shouldn't. You're one of my best friends, you know. And I'll hate myself forever if I mess this up by taking advantage of you while you're not in your right mind."

"That's what I love about you," Steve said, leaning in for another kiss that ended up on Tony's cheek when he turned his head. "You're so selfless. Always sacrificing what you want so everyone else can thrive. But it's time to do something for yourself now." He rolled his hips against Tony's.

Tony gasped and stumbled backwards. He winced as his back connected with something solid. "Steve, please. Remember who you are. You're Captain America. And Captain America doesn't have sex in public."

"I'm off duty," Steve whispered against his neck. "I'm just Steve Rogers right now. The same Steve Rogers who used to bend Bucky over in the alley behind our apartment."

Tony's mind short-circuited for a moment as he pictured little Steve aggressively pushing his best friend against a dumpster and having his way with him. But he quickly came back to the present as Steve cupped his ass through his jeans.

"W-wait," Tony said. "We don't have any lube."

Steve produced a tube of Vaseline and a small bottle of lotion from his utility belt.

"The hell you doing with this stuff?" Tony asked dubiously.

"One keeps my lips from getting chapped and the other keeps me from wearing myself raw on lonely nights when all I have is your old sex tapes to keep me company."

Tony barked out a laugh. "My god, Steve, you are filthy. I'm never calling you boyscout again."

Steve grinned. He slipped his hands down the back of Tony's pants and leaned in to nip at his neck.

Tony groaned and let his head fall back. Steve was going to be the death of him, but at least he would die happy.

When Steve leaned in to try to kiss him again, Tony let him. The kiss was sloppy and messy, but Tony was so hungry for it. Kissing Steve felt so right and Tony only parted from him long enough for Steve to slip his t-shirt over his head. Steve pressed his thumbs against his nipples and Tony just moaned.

Yes, this had to be the best bad decision Tony had ever made.

Tony eagerly wiggled out of his jeans and watched Steve strip himself out of his uniform. He had already seen Steve in various states of undress around the Tower, of course. Shirtless in the backyard helping Clint barbecue, swimming a few laps in the Olympic-size swimming pool in the gym, with just a towel around his waist as he got out of the shower.

But now he could openly stare without getting in trouble. Steve's body really was a work of art, all tight, toned muscles. But what Tony was really drawn to was his cock. Because holy shit.

"I know," Steve said with another of his winning smiles. "But don't worry, I'll be careful. I want this to be good for you, too."

Steve slicked himself up with slow, leisurely strokes and then ran a hand over Tony's backside. Tony obligingly shifted his legs further apart so Steve's probing fingers could work him open. It had been so long since he had done anything like this, especially with someone like Steve.

"I think you're ready," Steve said finally.

More than ready, if Tony's whine when Steve pulled his fingers out was any indication.

"This isn't going to be one of those things where the serum kicks in right before we do it and you freak out and we're too embarrassed to look each other in the face for the rest of our lives, is it?" Tony asked.

Because of course something like that would have to happen to him.

"Nope," Steve said. He lifted Tony by the hips, pressing him firmly back against the wall as he pushed into him.

Tony threw his head back and groaned. God, Steve was big. All he could do was clamp his legs tightly against Steve's waist and will his body to adjust to the feeling.

Steve pressed hot kisses against his neck. "Just relax," he said.

Tony took a shaky breath. Steve was breathing heavily against his neck, but he was rock-still, waiting for Tony to adjust. Still so Steve even under the glaze of hormones and chemicals.

Experimentally, Tony canted his hips forward and found that it didn't hurt that much. The stretch was actually starting to feel good, like a satisfying post-workout ache. He looped his arms around Steve's neck and tugged him down for another kiss. "Let's do this thing."

Steve hummed and started off with slow, shallow thrusts. Tony squeezed his eyes shut and savored the feeling. Maybe it was just the sex spray or maybe Steve was just awesome at sex, but Tony couldn't remember ever enjoying sex this much. Sex was usually fast and hard and fun while it lasted, but pretty much just a means to an end. But he was happy to let Steve set a slower pace so he could really pay attention to every little detail of this experience.

As Steve's pace got faster and faster, Tony found himself panting. He really wasn't going to last long, but Steve was probably far too gone to notice or care.

Orgasm hit him hard, like a bolt of electricity through his veins and left him feeling absolutely boneless. He could do nothing except slump against Steve's chest and trust in his strength to keep them both upright.

Dimly, he was aware of slowly being lowered to the ground and then Steve's lips pressed against his. He kissed back with what little strength he could muster.

When he opened his eyes, the rest of the world seemed to fade to a blur until all he could see was Steve.

Gorgeous, glorious, beautiful Steve.

"I love you," he said.

Steve beamed. "I love you, too." He nuzzled against Tony's neck. "Doesn't it feel great working together for the greater good? Not that making love to you is work. It's a wonderful privilege."

Tony smiled. He felt the same way. Steve was his favorite person in the whole wide world and knowing that he got to have sex with him filled him with so much joy.

Steve pulled him into a tight embrace. "I can't wait to make love to you again."

He could feel Steve's hardness against his thigh and he shifted his legs, welcoming Steve back into his body. "God, you feel good," he murmured.

It was a good thing he had had so much sexual experience over the years. He was going to do anything and everything he could think of with Steve. The whole gay Kama Sutra.

Again and again they made love over what had to have been a number of hours, but it felt like only minutes. Between bouts, Steve whispered in his ear how much he loved him, how gorgeous he was, how proud he was of all the good they were doing together. And Tony just kissed him until they were both hard and raring to go again.

Suddenly Tony's mind cleared and he realized he was lying naked in the middle of the street, covered in layers of sweat, dirt, and probably a lot of other things he really didn't want to think about.

At his side, Steve grimaced and peeled a candy wrapper off his thigh. "I definitely need a shower now," he said.

"The great Jolkt has risen!" someone shouted from across the street.

The ground started shaking and vibrant red tentacles appeared in the distance, visible over the tops of the skyscrapers.

"Shit," Tony said. "We were part of this, weren't we?"

"Looks that way," Steve said grimly.

He sighed. Of course. The one time he was happy and loved by Steve, the amazing sex just had to summon a sea monster. Why did sex always have to lead to disaster?

"Since we caused this, we have to stop it," Steve said.

Tony was relieved to see the determination in those steely blue eyes. Sure, several hours of mindless sex and praise from Steve was great, but if it hadn't been for the mind control, Tony would have gotten tired of it within the first hour or two. Because all those wonderful declarations of love were meaningless since it wasn't really Steve saying them. He'd rather have Steve just the way he was because thank god he was hot even when he was angry with him, which tended to be all the time.

"I'd love to help," Tony said, "but uh, where are our...everything?"

He didn't think they had moved that much in the course of their lovemaking, but he couldn't see the armor and he couldn't even see his clothes.

Steve cleared his throat. "If I recall, when I asked for the evac, my position was somewhere on 9th Avenue."

"That's a pretty big stretch of street," Tony said dubiously. He looked around with a frown. It was maybe a quarter of a mile back to the intersection.

Damn.

He faintly remembered rolling across a street to the opposite sidewalk, but surely they hadn't rolled their way a quarter of a mile. Steve must have carried him a little ways.

"It's a start," Steve said. "Come on."

Tony stared for a moment at Steve's retreating backside and he hurried to catch up. "Goddamn all this walking," he muttered. "Can't wait to get the armor back. And the comm. Goddamnit, Rogers, you better not have thrown that thing in the gutter somewhere."

Steve gave him a pointed look. "Oh, we're back to Rogers now? Didn't you say we had a level of intimacy so deep it was like our souls were connected?"

"Shut up. You said a lot of sappy things, too. About us being an awesome team-"

"Which we are."

"-and great partners,-"

"We are. Most of the time."

"-how much of an honor it was to sleep with me-"

"Well, I wouldn't put it quite that way."

"-how you couldn't imagine doing this with anybody else-"

"Definitely true."

"-and..." Tony sputtered and came to a halt. "Did you just say that was true?"

"Yeah," Steve said. "Is that a problem?"

"It's just...me? You know what I'm like."

"Yes," Steve said. "That's why I called for you. Don't get me wrong, the stuff did hurt like the dickens, but more than that, I could feel myself changing. I would have never forgiven myself if I had forced myself on some innocent civilian, but I knew I wouldn't do that to you. Because I know you and I care about you and I would make sure I didn't hurt you."

Tony gaped at him. "You set this up? Damnit, I spent all that time fighting you off and trying to protect your virtue. And now you tell me it was a wasted effort. We could have gotten in another round of sex in that time."

Steve rolled his eyes and sped up to a jog.

In another five minutes, they were at the site with their discarded clothes. Tony sighed with relief as he pulled his pants back on. He was sick of feeling his thighs sticking together. It was just a shame Steve had to get dressed, too.

Across the street from the pile of clothes was Tony's armor. Thank fuck for that.

"Sir," Jarvis greeted him, as he stepped back into it. "The team has been concerned about your absence."

"Like hell they were," Tony muttered. Clint was probably just eagerly trying to find out if he and Steve were really boning.

"What's the situation?" Steve said over the armor's comm link. He touched a hand to his ear and mouthed, "Not in the gutter."

Tony grinned.

"Cap!" Clint said delightedly. "Did you really just spend the last six hours fucking Stark? Goddamn, I bet he enjoyed that. I don't think he's been getting laid since he and Pepper-"

"Thanks for your concern," Tony said into the comm.

Clint made a strangled noise. "Tony, buddy, good to have you back, too."

Natasha snickered. "Thanks for joining us, boys. We're holding the thing back at the harbor as best we can. Along with a couple hundred SHIELD agents and some of New York's finest. So far our bullets aren't doing much to hurt it so we could really use a new strategy."

"On the way," Steve said. He hoisted his shield onto his back and started running towards the harbor.

Tony swooped in and grabbed him up. "Trust me, my way will be a lot quicker."

They rocketed on towards the harbor, getting a better aerial view of the mass of tentacles rising up out of the water.

"Any plan yet?" Tony asked.

"Nope."

"Well, you're no help." Tony swung lower to let Steve down with the others on the ground.

"Wait," Steve said. "Just drop me down on the thing."

"Okay," Tony said dubiously. But he let Steve go.

Steve tucked the shield under him and somersaulted down through the air. "I'm going to try and draw out the head, and then I need you to focus your firepower on that."

Tony stared as Steve landed on one massive tentacle and rode it down, using his shield like a skateboard. "Where the hell did you learn to do that?"

"Lord of the Rings," Steve said cheerfully. He pulled a flare gun out of his utility belt and fired it in front of him.

The creature bellowed and slapped a tentacle at Steve. He ducked down under it and used his momentum to propel himself to another lower tentacle. "Take note, guys, it's not too keen on fire."

"Noted," Clint said. "I think we can rig up some Molotovs down here."

Tony just watched in stunned admiration as Steve jumped from tentacle to tentacle, irritating the creature.

Jolkt let out another loud roar as the people on the ground began hurling fiery projectiles its way. The mass of tentacles swayed and the water started to churn around it.

"Uh-oh, I think you made it mad," Tony said.

"That was kind of the plan. You ready, Tony?"

"Ready." Tony hovered as close as he could without being hit by the flailing mass.

From the deep, twelve glowing green eyes and wide maw filled with hundreds of razor sharp teeth emerged.

"Holy shit," Tony said. "Steve, get out of there."

Steve jumped over another writhing tentacle. "Just shoot, Tony."

Tony hit the release on his shoulder-mounted rocket launchers and fired a few repulsor beams at the head for good measure. The beast just shuddered and lunged for Steve as the shield skimmed off one of the glowing eyes.

Tony flew in, rolling to avoid the tentacle attacks and grabbed Steve just as he started to pitch forward. "Don't scare me like that," he said.

"Knew you had my back," Steve answered with a grin.

Tony set Steve safely back on land with the ground crew and flew back in to take another shot at the thing. It really was a shame Thor wasn't here to electrocute it.

"Okay," Tony said. "One last idea." He could throw all the firepower he had at the thing. Every bomb, every grenade, every rocket, and as much juice from the suit as he could afford to expend. It would be risky, but this thing wasn't going to die easily.

"Stand back, kids," Tony announced. "Jarvis, hit it with all we got."

"Sir, I-"

"Just do it, Jarvis."

Tony had jut enough time to appreciate the resulting fireball and the creature's screams of agony before he found himself thrown back, head over heels. God, it was going to be a hard landing.

"Tony?" a voice asked from what seemed like a great distance. "Tony, can you hear me?"

The armor fell aside and Tony could feel a hand on his chest, gently prodding him.

Tony pried open his eyes. "Goddamn. That hurt like a bitch."

Steve smiled with relief and sat back. "He's okay, guys."

Clint whooped. "Way to go, Tony. Now we can all go home and sleep for the next week."

Tony smiled weakly as he teammates high-fived around him. "Goddamn, what a day," he said. It was still bright afternoon around him, but he really agreed with Clint's sentiment. He could just crawl into bed right now.

Steve gave him a hand and gently tugged him upright. "You okay? Anything broken?"

"Nope, just winded."

"Good." Steve lingered behind anyway, watching carefully as Tony painfully limped along.

"You don't have to babysit me. I'm a grown man. I'll find my way back home."

"I want to," Steve said. "Because I care about you, remember? You're my teammate and my friend. You sacrificed a lot for us today and I'm just making sure you don't overexert yourself any further."

"Huh."

They stumbled along in companionable silence for a few minutes until Tony just couldn't take it anymore.

"Question," he said. "Do you really jack off to my old sex tapes?"

"No," Steve said immediately. He averted his eyes. "Maybe," he allowed.

"Ooh, you are filthy," Tony crowed. He waggled his eyebrows. "Remind me to show you something a little more recent."

"Oh, I already have," Steve said. He made an obvious show of looking up and down Tony's body.

"Steve!" Tony exclaimed. "Are you sure that stuff's not still in your system?"

"Is it in yours?"

"No, but we can never be too sure with the serum."

Steve laughed and draped an arm around Tony's shoulder. "I'm fine. Although since I've been watching your dirty movies, that's a little questionable."

"Haha. Hilarious. But seriously, though, if you ever need new material-"

"I know right where to find it," Steve said, his eyes sparkling with amusement. "Be careful. I might just take you up on that offer."

That was exactly what Tony was hoping.


End file.
